Conversations with Darlene

*Today I had a puppy named Silver in the treatment room with me. Silver was very scared and hiding under the table*
Darlene: Joy, what is that dog doin' there under that table?
Me: Well, she's just really scared because she's never been alone before. She's always had her two sisters with her but they got adopted this weekend and she didn't. And now she's all alone and she doesn't know how to handle it.
D: Heeyyyy, Silver. Silver, let me tell you somethin'. You can be, in a room full of people. And feel completely alone. You know what I'm talkin' about Silver? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. And you can have, family out the ying-yang and still be lonely. Yep, yep that's the truth there, Silver. That's the truth! You can believe that Darlene would tell you the truth. Silver you justs got to be happy and then, and then you won't be alone anymore, Silver. Yep. Well, ole Darlene's got to go now, I'll be gettin' off my, my pedestal of wisdom here now, hehehehehehe!

The Best Time I had my First Kiss

I was a sassy preschooler. Are you shocked? Yes, you are shocked, I can tell.
Well, I was sassy and the self-appointed savior of the female race on my Catholic preschool playground. Everyday you had a few choices of things to do on the playground.
You could 1) play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but only 7 people could play at a time and they only needed one girl to be April and it was always this girl who had several all yellow outfits.
Or you could 2) swing on the swings, which was a highly competitive, contested, and coveted activity usually swarmed by the kindergartners who greatly outmatched us preschoolers in size, strength, and determination.
Or you could 3) play Boy-Jail. Boy-Jail consisted of the boys running down hapless females on the playground, ensnaring them, and then installing them in a "jail" in the belly of the playground fort. This was a game that was played everyday and went on for the entirety of recess.

But, of course, I was sassy and also a fast runner and I would be darned if any boys were going to hold me captive.

 If I wanted to make a cultural point here, I would relate how I once had a comrade in fighting the boys' evil grip on the playground but she almost immediately switched sides to become a passive female when she realized she was defying social roles by fighting the boys. And about how even as 3 year olds, the boys wanted to dominate the girls and the girls were completely okay with that and actually enjoyed it. Because the guard for the jail (and there wasn't always a guard) was extremely unenthusiastic and most the girls just walked out of jail so they could experience the fun of capture again.

I spent most of my recess days (when I wasn't destroying the notion of Santa Claus, a bold move that got me kicked out of carpool) running from boys and freeing the girls from jail. It was on one of those days I met Dallas, an older man, a kindergartner, who had an exotic name, blonde hair, and a red jacket. The boys had had enough of my freedom fighter ways, and sicked Dallas, one of the faster kindergartners, on me. Dallas ran me around and around the playground until, exhausted, I curled up against the chain link fence and grabbed a hold of it hard, I wasn't going to jail without a fight! Dallas grabbed me and then, in an unexpected move, kissed me and then just ran away.

Stunned, I sat by the fence and brushed leaves out of my hair for the rest of recess, confused as to what motivated him to do such a thing. I eventually settled on it being my dress for the day, a cute smocked affair with tiny balloons on it that my grandma Mimi had made for me. I determined that I would never wear it again as it had proved to be too provocative.

At dinner that night, I related my story at the table to the stunned reaction of my parents, in particular my Dad who just said, "What?! Do not ever let him kiss you again. Because...because...of germs. You just tell him that...germs".

Satisfied with my Dad's solution, I prepped myself for the playground the next day by wearing my most hideous kitten t-shirt and pink leggings. Upon the ringing of the recess bell, the chase was on. Like the first day, Dallas was quick to pursue and I was quick to flee. Finally, I had to stop and as Dallas came to claim his prize I quickly mentioned that my Father had expressly forbidden kissing. Dallas, a plucky boy, brightly replied, "Okay, I'll just hug you then!" hugged me and then walked off.

I'm not sure if the teachers noticed what was going on, or if my Dad made a phone call, but I didn't see Dallas again after that.

I had a lot of elementary school suitors after that, but I was mean to all of them.

Conversations with Darlene

Darlene: Wooooooo! I have gots to get me some de-odorant! I mean some good de-odorant! This, this, this Dove stuff ain't workin'. I mean I be sweatin' and stinkin', wooooo. I needs to gets me some Degree or some Mitchell because this women's de-odorant cannot handle Darlene Brown.

The Best Time I Had a Pang of Conscience

I was a messy toddler. I was maybe 3 or 4 when my Mom requested that I clean my room OR ELSE. I began the arduous task of cleaning, when suddenly inspiration! I would stuff all my things into my closet, close the door, and SHE WOULD NEVER KNOW. I was giddy with my genius! Hehehehe! How devious I was, how original! I sat on my bed after I was done, waiting a few extra minutes to make it seem like I actually cleaned my room. Then I went and fetched my Mom.
"Mooooooooooooooom! Come check my roooooooom!" I called with just barely hidden elation in my voice.
Mom came, looked, and said, "Well, good job, Joy." and as she turned to leave, I was hit with a pang of conscience. I had LIED to my MOTHER. How could I do that to my lovely mother who took such good care of me? WHAT A HORRIBLE DAUGHTER I WAS! I should be tortured, punished, flogged!

"Mother, wait!" I said with all the melodrama of a broadway musical. "Wait!" and I strode over to my closet and flung open the door. "See!" I cried, covering my eyes and averting my face with all the style of a romance novel heroine.
My Mom, tired from a long day at the hospital gazed in puzzlement at the mess that had trickled out of my closet.
"Well, clean it up...." she said, "call me when you're done."
I was elated. No punishment, no flogging!
"Yes! Yes, I will mother! You can TRUST me, your honest daughter!"
I have no idea what my mom was thinking, but I imagine she couldn't help but shake her had confusedly.

The Best Time I Was a Furious Toddler

I feel like I have a pretty good memory. Part of that is because I had a Peter-Pan like fear of growing up, and so I would obsessively retrace the entirety of my life when I couldn't sleep at night. Part of that is because I have a good memory.

Our house in Pennsylvania was a one-story, blue sided, white picket fenced affair with an apple tree and a swing set. There was a nice basement that had a swing and a guest bedroom. We had problems with bugs. Once we had a carpenter ant invasion, which to a 2 year old is very frightening as they were all about the size of my hand. We had giant spiders in our basement which scared the bajeezus out of V and left him with an almost funny arachnophobia.

I thought I was pretty awesome as a 2 year old. I remember one sunny, Pennsylvania day I was strolling around outside wearing this outrageously long strand of faux pearls over my spaghetti-stained jumper. I knew my Mom and her friend were outside talking. So, being all cool, I meandered around the outside of the house, just taking my time, being cute and all that. We had some tulips and I sorta just, casually pattered over to them and started smelling them. I remember how surprising it was that they had no smell and I was thinking, "Why do people grow these? They don't smell good." But, you know, I was trying to be all cute and impress my Mom and her friend, so I kept sniffing away. And then my mom's friend said, "Joy! There's a spider in that flower!". And at first I was like, "no there isn't I just looked in there", but then I was like "she's an adult why would she lie to me??" and so I spazzed out and flung myself violently away from tulip, staring at it horror.

"Oh, hahahaha! I was just kidding, Joy!" my mom's friend said.
I did not think it was funny. I was furious. I continued smelling the rest of the tulips to show that I was not afraid and then stalked away. I would not give her a hug when she left.

Conversations with Darlene

Darlene: Joy, I remember this girl who came up here-
Me: What?
Darlene: There was this girl-
Me: What? When? Was this yesterday? Is it that girl who wanted that cat?
Darlene: Naw, Joy. There was this girl who would come up heah-
Me: What?
Darlene: Joy, it's you. I'm talkin' about you. You had this, this innocence about you and ya losin' it. It's that innocence that attracts people to you, Joy. That, that draws people to you. Don't lose, don't lose that innocence, Joy.
Me: Oh. Okay?

Conversations with Darlene

Me: Maybe I should start working out, so I can start lifting all the heavy things around here, you know?
Darlene: Joy, let me give ya some advice. Enjoy bein' little now, because when I was yo age, I was 110 pounds but after my first baby, oh Lor', Joy, I couldn't even button my coat when I left the hospital. Just enjoy bein' skinny, because women's bodies change, Joy. They change, ya know.
Me: Oh okay

Conversations with Jeremy

Me: You better watch yourself before you cut yourself!
Jeremy: What?
Me: That's not how it goes, is it?
Jeremy: No

Conversations with Jeremy

While in the waiting room at the doctor's office because Mom thought my eye would fall out if someone didn't look at it

Me: *perusing a ladies magazine* Oooooooooooh, look here Jeremy! I can lose 10 lbs by TOMORROW! Ooooooooooh, I wonder how that works, hmmmmmmmmmm? It's so realistic!
Jeremy: You could lose 10 lbs by tomorrow if you dropped your smart a**
Me: Well played, well played

Conversations with Jeremy

Me: *in a faux dramatic manner* Jeremy, promise you'll never lie to me.
Jeremy: No.
Me: No?
Jeremy: No.
Me: Well, I guess that's honest

I used to dye my hair a lot. It was cool, because I had always wanted to do it. It was not cool because it did not look good.

I do not like my arms. Just overall I'm not into it

I didn't used to be into music as a thing. But then one day I realized that it was very important because it said a lot about you as a person.

I have my mother's sensitive ears

I tried to run the other day and it was difficult. I am ashamed of myself.

Jeremy is my role model. He's so cool under pressure

I like drink umbrellas

When I was a kid, my role model was the 12 year old girl from the Jesus of Nazareth movie that Jesus raises from the dead. I based this on 1) she had black hair 2) she was 12 and 3) Jesus liked her, so she must have been cool

I like Ecclesiastes because Solomon's like, "Aight, just chill out guys."

I used to worry excessively that the Rapture was going to happen in the year 2000.

As a kid, if I couldn't sleep I would make up stories. I wrote some down. They were terrible.

Puddleglum makes me uncomfortable

You know that movie, The Brave Little Toaster? I hate that Toaster.