I was a messy toddler. I was maybe 3 or 4 when my Mom requested that I clean my room OR ELSE. I began the arduous task of cleaning, when suddenly inspiration! I would stuff all my things into my closet, close the door, and SHE WOULD NEVER KNOW. I was giddy with my genius! Hehehehe! How devious I was, how original! I sat on my bed after I was done, waiting a few extra minutes to make it seem like I actually cleaned my room. Then I went and fetched my Mom.
"Mooooooooooooooom! Come check my roooooooom!" I called with just barely hidden elation in my voice.
Mom came, looked, and said, "Well, good job, Joy." and as she turned to leave, I was hit with a pang of conscience. I had LIED to my MOTHER. How could I do that to my lovely mother who took such good care of me? WHAT A HORRIBLE DAUGHTER I WAS! I should be tortured, punished, flogged!
"Mother, wait!" I said with all the melodrama of a broadway musical. "Wait!" and I strode over to my closet and flung open the door. "See!" I cried, covering my eyes and averting my face with all the style of a romance novel heroine.
My Mom, tired from a long day at the hospital gazed in puzzlement at the mess that had trickled out of my closet.
"Well, clean it up...." she said, "call me when you're done."
I was elated. No punishment, no flogging!
"Yes! Yes, I will mother! You can TRUST me, your honest daughter!"
I have no idea what my mom was thinking, but I imagine she couldn't help but shake her had confusedly.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Best Time I Was a Furious Toddler
I feel like I have a pretty good memory. Part of that is because I had a Peter-Pan like fear of growing up, and so I would obsessively retrace the entirety of my life when I couldn't sleep at night. Part of that is because I have a good memory.
Our house in Pennsylvania was a one-story, blue sided, white picket fenced affair with an apple tree and a swing set. There was a nice basement that had a swing and a guest bedroom. We had problems with bugs. Once we had a carpenter ant invasion, which to a 2 year old is very frightening as they were all about the size of my hand. We had giant spiders in our basement which scared the bajeezus out of V and left him with an almost funny arachnophobia.
I thought I was pretty awesome as a 2 year old. I remember one sunny, Pennsylvania day I was strolling around outside wearing this outrageously long strand of faux pearls over my spaghetti-stained jumper. I knew my Mom and her friend were outside talking. So, being all cool, I meandered around the outside of the house, just taking my time, being cute and all that. We had some tulips and I sorta just, casually pattered over to them and started smelling them. I remember how surprising it was that they had no smell and I was thinking, "Why do people grow these? They don't smell good." But, you know, I was trying to be all cute and impress my Mom and her friend, so I kept sniffing away. And then my mom's friend said, "Joy! There's a spider in that flower!". And at first I was like, "no there isn't I just looked in there", but then I was like "she's an adult why would she lie to me??" and so I spazzed out and flung myself violently away from tulip, staring at it horror.
"Oh, hahahaha! I was just kidding, Joy!" my mom's friend said.
I did not think it was funny. I was furious. I continued smelling the rest of the tulips to show that I was not afraid and then stalked away. I would not give her a hug when she left.
Our house in Pennsylvania was a one-story, blue sided, white picket fenced affair with an apple tree and a swing set. There was a nice basement that had a swing and a guest bedroom. We had problems with bugs. Once we had a carpenter ant invasion, which to a 2 year old is very frightening as they were all about the size of my hand. We had giant spiders in our basement which scared the bajeezus out of V and left him with an almost funny arachnophobia.
I thought I was pretty awesome as a 2 year old. I remember one sunny, Pennsylvania day I was strolling around outside wearing this outrageously long strand of faux pearls over my spaghetti-stained jumper. I knew my Mom and her friend were outside talking. So, being all cool, I meandered around the outside of the house, just taking my time, being cute and all that. We had some tulips and I sorta just, casually pattered over to them and started smelling them. I remember how surprising it was that they had no smell and I was thinking, "Why do people grow these? They don't smell good." But, you know, I was trying to be all cute and impress my Mom and her friend, so I kept sniffing away. And then my mom's friend said, "Joy! There's a spider in that flower!". And at first I was like, "no there isn't I just looked in there", but then I was like "she's an adult why would she lie to me??" and so I spazzed out and flung myself violently away from tulip, staring at it horror.
"Oh, hahahaha! I was just kidding, Joy!" my mom's friend said.
I did not think it was funny. I was furious. I continued smelling the rest of the tulips to show that I was not afraid and then stalked away. I would not give her a hug when she left.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Conversations with Darlene
Darlene: Joy, I remember this girl who came up here-
Me: What?
Darlene: There was this girl-
Me: What? When? Was this yesterday? Is it that girl who wanted that cat?
Darlene: Naw, Joy. There was this girl who would come up heah-
Me: What?
Darlene: Joy, it's you. I'm talkin' about you. You had this, this innocence about you and ya losin' it. It's that innocence that attracts people to you, Joy. That, that draws people to you. Don't lose, don't lose that innocence, Joy.
Me: Oh. Okay?
Me: What?
Darlene: There was this girl-
Me: What? When? Was this yesterday? Is it that girl who wanted that cat?
Darlene: Naw, Joy. There was this girl who would come up heah-
Me: What?
Darlene: Joy, it's you. I'm talkin' about you. You had this, this innocence about you and ya losin' it. It's that innocence that attracts people to you, Joy. That, that draws people to you. Don't lose, don't lose that innocence, Joy.
Me: Oh. Okay?
Conversations with Darlene
Me: Maybe I should start working out, so I can start lifting all the heavy things around here, you know?
Darlene: Joy, let me give ya some advice. Enjoy bein' little now, because when I was yo age, I was 110 pounds but after my first baby, oh Lor', Joy, I couldn't even button my coat when I left the hospital. Just enjoy bein' skinny, because women's bodies change, Joy. They change, ya know.
Me: Oh okay
Darlene: Joy, let me give ya some advice. Enjoy bein' little now, because when I was yo age, I was 110 pounds but after my first baby, oh Lor', Joy, I couldn't even button my coat when I left the hospital. Just enjoy bein' skinny, because women's bodies change, Joy. They change, ya know.
Me: Oh okay
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Conversations with Jeremy
Me: You better watch yourself before you cut yourself!
Jeremy: What?
Me: That's not how it goes, is it?
Jeremy: No
Jeremy: What?
Me: That's not how it goes, is it?
Jeremy: No
Conversations with Jeremy
While in the waiting room at the doctor's office because Mom thought my eye would fall out if someone didn't look at it
Me: *perusing a ladies magazine* Oooooooooooh, look here Jeremy! I can lose 10 lbs by TOMORROW! Ooooooooooh, I wonder how that works, hmmmmmmmmmm? It's so realistic!
Jeremy: You could lose 10 lbs by tomorrow if you dropped your smart a**
Me: Well played, well played
Me: *perusing a ladies magazine* Oooooooooooh, look here Jeremy! I can lose 10 lbs by TOMORROW! Ooooooooooh, I wonder how that works, hmmmmmmmmmm? It's so realistic!
Jeremy: You could lose 10 lbs by tomorrow if you dropped your smart a**
Me: Well played, well played
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